A culpa era de ninguém. Nunca poderias imaginar o que passei para
chegar até ali e muito menos éras responsável pelo fardo que carregava. O
Sérgio tinha sido um imbecil, vestido com pele de cordeiro. A tez morena, o ar
de gingão e aquele metro e oitenta endoideciam qualquer mulher. Por dentro,
tinha um espírito decadente e enganoso. Foi a pessoa que me destruiu o âmago e
me deixou completamente desamparada. Ao fim, as lágrimas eram apenas de
cansaço.
Tu surgiste no meio do turbilhão e levantaste o meu espírito. Foste
como que um amparo que me deu colo, sem eu perceber muito bem porquê. Eu andava
sem rumo, procurava alguém e ao mesmo tempo queria estar sozinha. Estava a
precisar de apoio mas não queria admitir a minha derrota. Tanta dor. Os maus
tratos do meu pai, a solidão na juventude, a doença que me impregnava este
cérebro demasiado revoltado com o mundo faziam de mim a pior namorada. O
Sérgio, aquele monstro que só me fez chorar.
Mas tu ligaste-me, convidaste-me para um café e eu aceitei. Trocámos
piropos pelo Messenger e, aos poucos, fui-me deixando enfeitiçar. Era bom estar
ao teu lado e ouvir-te dizer disparates sobre a vida. Eu sabia que éramos uns
putos e olhava para ti como um menino cheio de vontade de viver e mas ainda
imberbe. Tinhas sonhos, desejos e uma excitação que emanava por todo o teu
corpo. Eu sentia isso sempre que te tocava e vislumbrava o amor que irradiava
dos teus olhos. Que paixão!
Após o primeiro encontro veio o segundo e um terceiro. Um dia, partilhámos
o teu chapéu de chuva, enquanto subimos e descemos a avenida da Liberdade, em
Lisboa. Era setembro. Ou talvez tenha sido já em outubro. Andámos, andámos,
subimos e descemos colinas e levaste-me até Santa Apolónia, onde apanhei o
comboio de regresso a casa. Foi nessa noite que entraste na carruagem de
surpresa. Foi tão bom! Despedimo-nos, trocámos olhares cúmplices e vi-te virar
costas em direção à saída da gare. Só que sabias que os meus pais estavam fora,
por isso, aproveitaste a oportunidade para voltar para trás e entrar no comboio
no momento em que as portas se fechavam. Foi assim, num ápice que me apaixonei
por ti, quando te vi, sentado à minha frente, estupefacta com a tua audácia. Porque
é preciso vontade e coragem para tomar uma decisão destas. Acreditaste no ato
romântico e quiseste surpreender. Bolas, como tenho saudades de alguém que
queira surpreender. Que queira ser único.
Nessa noite, na minha casa, na minha cama, fizemos amor. Trocámos
fluidos, confidências aos ouvidos um do outro, desejámos eternizar aquele fogo
e conhecermos os nossos corpos ao pormenor. Foste a fonte do meu prazer durante
toda aquela noite e lembro-me de ter sonhado contigo, tal foi o impacto da tua
energia.
E, uns dias após, lá estavas tu, sentado numa cadeira, num canto
escondido da tua escola, eu a fazer-te companhia, enquanto lia um policial
qualquer. Estava ao lado de uma janela, fazia tempo para que tu tratasses dos
teus assuntos enquanto eu aproveitava para olhar para o pátio lá em baixo, onde
outras vidas se cruzavam. Deves ter pensado: “É agora!” Ainda sorrio quando imagino
o que poderá ter passado pela tua cabeça. Porém, a verdade é que aquele momento
foi totalmente inesperado, digno de um filme de Hollywood. Aproximaste-te de
mim, colocaste um joelho no chão e pediste-me em namoro. Embasbacada com o
gesto, de coração aos pulos, sem querer acreditar como um homem como tu poderia
ter tantas certezas. De onde te veio a força? Deslumbrei-me naquele momento e
retive na memória o instante em que te disse que sim, aparvalhada comigo
própria.
Lembrei-me de tudo isto hoje quando comecei a remexer numa caixa que
tinha no armário esquecida pelo tempo. Fui arrumar uns objectos, limpar o pó e
acabei por remexer no passado, guardado a sete chaves, em fotografias em papel,
comprada na loja da esquina. Mais de uma década depois, ainda não houve um
homem como tu, Nuno. Duvido que haja, ainda assim continuo a correr atrás
deles. E eles vêm até aos meus pés e suplicam. Outros, simplesmente dão me
vómitos. Eternos amores incorrespondidos.
Nenhum é como tu. Costuma-se dizer que não há duas pessoas iguais.
Somos todos diferentes, embora todos idênticos. A cada homem que conheço,
procuro os mesmo traços que os teus. Os olhos longos e brilhantes, a boca
desenhada, o queixo redondo, o cabelo sempre curto de um preto vivo. Mas tu
nunca estás lá, no meio da multidão, dos perfis sem fim no facebook e do
tinder. Passo os dedos, corro páginas e páginas, sonho contigo e, no fim, és
apenas uma memória. Porque tinhas que morrer, Nuno?
I remember the day you put your knees and asked me for love. I remember
almost everything, even though it was almost 13 years ago. Probably you already
forgot because life spins around, a thousand and one tides broke in the sand
and the wind carved new endless waves. I was sitting there, leafing through a
book and you thought which words you'd use. The choice should be careful, the
impact would have to be eternal, you must be thinking. We were so young, Nuno! You
were 27, I was 25. Ah! Ah! Ah! Such kids, weren’t we? You used to walk through
the corridors of the Faculty of Fine Arts while I was working in a media
company. You were the artist, with a mischievous smile, playfulness and fun
spirit. I was the serious and pragmatic one, pigheaded, with the frown face and
the imperious voice. But it was all a facade covering my soft heart, poor soul,
calloused hands full of resentful. You fill me somehow, though I only saw you
from the outside. I was afraid to find you, I feared the pain that me you could
inflict me. The past was still too engraved in my skin.
Nobody was guilty. You could never imagine what I went through to get there, you weren’t responsible for the burden I carried. Sergio had been a fool, dressed in lambskin. The swarthy complexion, air jig and 6 foot high made any woman crazy. Inside, he was a decadent and deceitful spirit. He was the person who destroyed me inside and left me completely helpless. At the end, tears were just of exhaustion.
You appeared in the middle of the whirlwind and lifted my spirit. It was like a support, who gave me lap, without I realize very well why. I walked aimlessly, looking for someone and at the same time I wanted to be alone. I was in need of support but did not want to admit my defeat. So much pain! The ill-treatment of my father, loneliness in youth, the mind disease that pervaded me been hungry with the world, all this made me the worst girlfriend. Sergio, that monster that just made me cry.
But you called me, you invited me for a coffee and I accepted. We exchanged flirting texts by Messenger and, gradually, your left me bewitched. It was nice to be beside you and hear you say nonsense about life. I knew we were just kids and I looked at you as a boy full of will to live and yet with a baby soul. You had dreams, desires and excitement that emanated throughout your body. I felt that when you played with me and glimpsed the love that radiated from your eyes. What a passion!
After the first meeting came the second and the third. One day, we shared your umbrella, as we went up and down the avenue of Liberdade in Lisbon. It was September. Or maybe it was already in October. We walked, we walked, we went up and down the Lisbon hills and you took me to Santa Apolonia, where I caught the train back home. It was that night that you entered the coach by surprise. It was so good! We said goodbye, exchanged funny glances and I saw you turn back toward the exit. But you knew that my parents were out, so you took the opportunity to go back and get on the train at the same time the doors closed. Thus, at a glance I fell for you, when I saw you sitting in front of me, dumbfounded. Because it takes will and courage to make a decision like that one. You must believe in the romantic act and wanted to surprise me. Gosh, how I miss someone who wants to surprise me for real! Who wants to be unique!
That night, in my house, in my bed, we made love. We exchanged fluids, confiding each other ears, wished to perpetuate that fire and discover our bodies in detail. You were the source of my delight all that night and I remember having dreamed of you, such was the impact of your energy.
And a few days after, there you were, sitting in a chair in a hidden corner of your school, I keep you company while reading a novel. I was next to a window, waiting for you to finish your subjects while I enjoyed to look at the courtyard below, where other lives intersected. You must have thought, "This is it!" I still smile when I think what might have been going through your head on that moment. But the truth is that moment was totally unexpected, worthy of a Hollywood movie. You drew near unto me, placed one knee on the floor and you asked me to be your girlfriend. Stunned by the gesture, heart pounding, not wanting to believe how a man like you could be so sure. Where did you got your strength? I was baffled at that time and retained in memory the moment for myself.
I remembered all this today when I started rummaging through a box that I had
in the closet forgotten by time. I pack up some objects, dusting and ended up
rummaging in the guarded past. More than a decade later, there has not been a
man like you. I doubt there is. I still continue to run after them. And they
come up to my feet. However, none is like you. It is said that no two people
are the same. We are all different, but all equal. Every man I know, I look for
the same traits as you. The long, bright eyes, your mouth beautifully drawn,
round chin, the hair always short of a living black. No, you're never there, in
the crowd, on the endless profiles on facebook and tinder. I run my fingers,
run pages and pages, I dream and in the end, you’re just a memory. Because you
had to die, Nuno?
Nobody was guilty. You could never imagine what I went through to get there, you weren’t responsible for the burden I carried. Sergio had been a fool, dressed in lambskin. The swarthy complexion, air jig and 6 foot high made any woman crazy. Inside, he was a decadent and deceitful spirit. He was the person who destroyed me inside and left me completely helpless. At the end, tears were just of exhaustion.
You appeared in the middle of the whirlwind and lifted my spirit. It was like a support, who gave me lap, without I realize very well why. I walked aimlessly, looking for someone and at the same time I wanted to be alone. I was in need of support but did not want to admit my defeat. So much pain! The ill-treatment of my father, loneliness in youth, the mind disease that pervaded me been hungry with the world, all this made me the worst girlfriend. Sergio, that monster that just made me cry.
But you called me, you invited me for a coffee and I accepted. We exchanged flirting texts by Messenger and, gradually, your left me bewitched. It was nice to be beside you and hear you say nonsense about life. I knew we were just kids and I looked at you as a boy full of will to live and yet with a baby soul. You had dreams, desires and excitement that emanated throughout your body. I felt that when you played with me and glimpsed the love that radiated from your eyes. What a passion!
After the first meeting came the second and the third. One day, we shared your umbrella, as we went up and down the avenue of Liberdade in Lisbon. It was September. Or maybe it was already in October. We walked, we walked, we went up and down the Lisbon hills and you took me to Santa Apolonia, where I caught the train back home. It was that night that you entered the coach by surprise. It was so good! We said goodbye, exchanged funny glances and I saw you turn back toward the exit. But you knew that my parents were out, so you took the opportunity to go back and get on the train at the same time the doors closed. Thus, at a glance I fell for you, when I saw you sitting in front of me, dumbfounded. Because it takes will and courage to make a decision like that one. You must believe in the romantic act and wanted to surprise me. Gosh, how I miss someone who wants to surprise me for real! Who wants to be unique!
That night, in my house, in my bed, we made love. We exchanged fluids, confiding each other ears, wished to perpetuate that fire and discover our bodies in detail. You were the source of my delight all that night and I remember having dreamed of you, such was the impact of your energy.
And a few days after, there you were, sitting in a chair in a hidden corner of your school, I keep you company while reading a novel. I was next to a window, waiting for you to finish your subjects while I enjoyed to look at the courtyard below, where other lives intersected. You must have thought, "This is it!" I still smile when I think what might have been going through your head on that moment. But the truth is that moment was totally unexpected, worthy of a Hollywood movie. You drew near unto me, placed one knee on the floor and you asked me to be your girlfriend. Stunned by the gesture, heart pounding, not wanting to believe how a man like you could be so sure. Where did you got your strength? I was baffled at that time and retained in memory the moment for myself.
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